I Feel Everything
by Sweet as Sorrow
Summary: Draco feels everything, Lucius feels nothing until his world is turned upside down. Songfic for Idina Menzel 'I feel Everything' I suck at summeries sorry! Warning Child abuse and character death! do not read if you dont like!


**A STEP TOO FAR**

My heart beat fast as it rammed mercilessly against my heaving chest. I could hear the steps of his perfect leather shoes crashing down upon the hateful wood that never showed me any pity as my body would explode against it over and over. The polished boards merely added to my pain as I would be tossed limply to its unwelcoming arms, as they placed their purple marks against my skin.

_**Like a prima ballerina  
I tip toe, tip toe around you constantly**_

The footsteps began to get louder and closer with every frantic beat of my weeping heart. My bruises from the last time he had entered my room so late in the dark were still embedded on my body, my bruises upon bruises that would never heal. In a sudden burst of rage, blonde hair and black robes stormed frighteningly into my private quarters, a place I had thought a safe haven for my sinful thoughts against the man.

_**  
I hear the water running**_

_**Will it wash your tears or leak through the ceiling?**_

"What was the last thing I came in here for my boy?" asked the fiend in a voice that sent chills down spine. His aggressive fatigue disappeared into a light hearted curiosity. My terror only increased at his bewildering kindness in his husky voice. He approached with a practiced patience, allowing each step to linger for an eternity before allowing himself to continue.

_**Make my way up a spiral staircase  
Hope to God you had a good day**_

I could smell the alcohol on him from the door way as I crouched in the darkest corner. But his trained eyes caught my whimpering body as he strode with a purpose swagger towards me. I could see his pointed face homing in on my shivering form, although I felt no cold air around me, I could feel my blood freezing with the inevitable fear of what my imagination had pictured happening to my frightened frame. I shut my eyes tight and prayed I would wake from my nightmare, but the shoes still echoed in my mind no matter how hard I tried to rid myself of the image imbedded in my scarred mind.

_**When you're furious  
when you start to freeze**_

_His hand raised above his head, his weapon of choice grasped firmly within its palm. My beaten body lies quivering with fear at his feat, my whole being wracks with agony inside and out. For the past hour I had been abused in ways I had never imagined, in ways I do not wish to relive._

_**When you can't be touched**_

_**I feel everything  
**_

_I shall not speak of my life's horror; I shall not be washed away with the memories flooding into my weakened mind. There are some things that should be kept to one's self, this being one of those things. The fear is too great, if the monster hovering his beastly hand above me heard word of me squealing news of our late night meetings then the pain would become more frequent, the fear constant and my punishments longer and more common. _

_**And when you despair  
when you cannot breathe**_

The freeze frame finally ended when I felt a warming hand land softly on my right shoulder. All at once my shivering, my breath and my heart stopped together. My body was frozen with terror and I felt a single tear drop down my pale cheek, the salty liquid burning my skin as it as it gracefully trickled down. "You're crying my boy" the fowl some creature murmured, leaning his head down to my neckline to ensure I could feel his hot breath smothering my flesh. "Why is that?" He questioned standing back to his impressive height just to reseat himself on my bed, furnished with black velvet bedding and ornate carvings into the 4 black posters. His hand never left my shoulder as maundered onto the bed.

_**When you wouldn't dare  
I feel everything  
**_

"I asked you a question boy, answer me!" he growled in a lower, more threatening voice as he dug his manicured nails into the flesh of my shoulder. I shook my head and I could feel my blonde hair brushing against my forehead as it all fell out of its neat gelled style that the vile _thing _above me forced me to wear it like every day of my meaningless life. With a tightening grasp on the limp in his hand I opened my mouth into a stuttered answer.

_**When you're in ecstasy**_

_**But you're not with me**_

_**I feel everything**_

"I... I'm afraid" I managed in a low whisper, hoping he would not hear my muttered words, but with his ears sharp as an eagle he picked up helpless plea. Removing his nails from my shoulder he allowed small droplets of crimson blood to seep through my white shirt as he stroked my new wounds with intended pressure to add to my agony. He sighed deeply, as if contemplating what to say _or do_ about my last statement. Finally deciding he stood, towering over me, like I was the rabbit to fall victim to the eagles hunger for my pure blood.

_**On a tightrope on a wire  
I'll attempt to jump through a ring of fire**_

With hands bigger than most men he fisted my fair hair into a tight knot, tangling the thin strands in with his meaty fingers. I let out a pained yelp at the sudden bombardment of pain as I was heaved carelessly onto the bed, with my back pressed firmly against the sheets. His face as frightening as thunder he forced my arms above my head and straddled my waist leaning most of his weight onto the single hand digging my wrists painfully into the mattress.

_**I am waiting all the while  
for a glimpse of something to bring us higher**_

With his free hand he began to tear off my shirt, sending the buttons scattering across the heartless wooden planks that consumed my room. I tried to protest but my throat permitted me no sound other than hoarse cries as I sobbed to myself. My body naturally had grown used to struggling against such a cruel trick of nature. This man was proof that no god exists, such a holy, divine god would not put this creature on earth, and a true god would not allow one single person to feel more agony than humanly possible. God would not allow me to suffer so. "STOP!" I finally screamed, in a voice that sounded more like _his _than mine, more aggressive and violent. Of course, he paid no attention to my futile attempts at escaping his deathly hold. My efforts were merely his foreplay, preparing his for a much grander prize. A simple back hand to my rosy cheek silenced me while he readied me for his inhumane deed.

_**One little foot in front of the other  
don't you know I'm afraid of thunder?**_

"Do you remember what I told you last time we were in this position?" he slurred, the foul odour of fire whisky emitting from his mouth. _Remember? How could I forget? It was etched into my back in the form of 40 lashes!! _ I thought to myself, not brave enough to speak my mind in dreaded fear of the consequences. So instead I nodded my head silently and hoped that it would all end soon enough and I wouldn't be in too much pain to sleep tonight. "Tell me what I said" he ordered, admiring the work of art he had inflicted on my decorative stomach. It was stained with purples and blues and blacks from my newest bruises. A darkened yellow from those created only 1 week ago. And of course the crusty crimson painted across all the pale skin that had been left untouched, but 1 hour with kitchen carving knife solved that problem. He ran a light finger across my healing wounds, no matter how gentle his touch, his skin on mine pierced my mind with 1000 needles at once with every second of contact. I bit my tongue with the effort not to fight back, but in doing this I found myself unable to state my reply. "Tell me!"He bellowed embedding his thumb into one of my larger, deeper engravings in my abdomen puncturing its surface with an eruption of blood gushing from its new entrance.

_**There's a fine line between love and hurting  
and knowing when to walk away**_

I cried out in pain as loud as my week voice would allow. "The less I stru...struggle the l...less painful it will b...be!" I hollered grunting from the pain, having each stutter punctuated for me with a sharp jab in my open wound. Clearly pleased with the mess he had made the man above me removed the digit from my gut, only causing me to gasp in pain as more blood flowed from the gaping hole in my body. Another dirty smirk on the retched beings face he began to fondle with my belt buckle. "No... No please stop!" I cried out but to no prevail as he yanked the leather from the loops of my black jeans. "This is WRONG!" I exclaimed trying once more to pull myself from his grip again only to be pulled back with his masculine hands. A horrid gleam in his eye the monster look to his left where my bed side table was, I hadn't seen him place something there but I did have a disturbing feeling in my stomach as a long silver object was brought into my view. My blood defrosted, then froze again as fear attacked me from all angles, the blade was lifted down to my face so I could see it in all its twisted glory. It was the knife that the man had told me on multiple occasions his father had used on him when he was a boy. The irony.

_**Like a prima ballerina  
I will tiptoe, tiptoe around you constantly**_

During out antics neither of us noticed the front door open, nor did we notice the front door close again. Neither of us were aware of the female's voice calling for us to come and greet her. And therefore neither of us noticed when my mother walked into my room, a look of shock and disgust on her face. Only then did the creature above me notice my mother scramble from the room as she dropped her multiple bags of shopping. The man on top of my turned his blonde head to where my mother had been standing and dropped the knife instantly, and removed his body from mine. "I'll be back" he called behind him running to the door, leaving me panting and terrified on my bed, my stomach was bleeding badly now and I Rose from my lying position, with great difficulty and stumbled towards my en suite bathroom to place tissue over the wound as I scanned the cupboard from some bandages.

_**When you're furious  
when you start to freeze**_

Ever since I was 4 years old when this man had entered my room and did those despicable things to me I have kept a medical kit in my bathroom, and ever since that day I have needed it. A nasty thought crossed my mind, a way in which to get him back for my 11 years of, what better way to put, torture. I managed with hobbled back into my room, after a quick glance just to make sure _he _wasn't back. Thankfully he wasn't, so I was able to grab a piece of paper of my desk and a quill, I hadn't bothered to bandage up my stomach, I thought it would make more of an impact if he could see the whole picture. I quickly scribbled down a note on the paper and placed it neatly on my desk. Then I went from the blade. I had seen it done many times before on TV so I knew what I was doing. I shrugged off my shirt, my tormenter having the courtesy to have undone it for me.

_**When you can't be touched  
I feel everything**_

With no more hesitation I brought the knife to my left wrist, knowing I'll only make a mess if I tried to wield the blade with my left hand. I pressed the unforgiving metal into my flesh, starting right at the top of my darkest vein and dragged the hurtful device down to stop just before my elbow. I looked down and grimaced at the sight, _did I really just do that? _I asked myself, not just because it was me slitting my own wrists in a spare of the moment thought. But also because that was the damn straightest line I had ever done, he would be proud. I gave myself a mental slap and was brought back to reality; I grasped the dagger harder and did the same again, only this time starting about a cm to the right of the other one. I gasped as it pierced my tender flesh, I hadn't felt the first assault due to the adrenaline pumping through my body but now I had calmed, a bit, I felt everything.

_**And when you despair  
when you cannot breathe**_

I had to bite my tongue as I drove the blade deeper and deeper into my flesh, I didn't care I had pierced the wriggly muscle in my mouth and that blood was now beginning to pour from the corner of my mouth. All I cared about was the perfect line I was creating on my arm. The blood oozed out much faster than on TV and as I began my third dissection I couldn't see where my line was. Scurrying back into my bathroom I washed away most of the blood and managed to get a quick glance at my masterpiece. Line 1: perfectly straight, almost as if I had done it with a ruler. Line 2: pretty straight but goes off track and bends towards the first line a bit nearer the end. Line 3: a bloody mess if I do say so myself, there was nothing straight about it.

_**When you wouldn't dare  
I feel everything**_

I was only able to see my work for a brief moment before the blood came pouring out of them again. My vision began to blur and I knew I wouldn't have much time before I passed out, but that wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to die. So I grabbed the knife with my shaky left hand and made quick work of my right wrist, I'll admit it wasn't as beautiful as the other hand but half way through I began to see black and white spots everywhere I focused my sight. My knees began to weaken beneath me and I allowed them to crumple, forcing me to the ground with them. I however had one more job to complete.

_**When you're in ecstasy  
but you're not with me**_

I somehow I got enough will power and I crawled into the centre of my room. Using my super human strength maybe? Ooh this felt good, all the pain was gone and I felt suddenly giddy and I began to laugh hysterically at nothing unparticular as the stars twinkled on my ceiling. I looked down my body, god was I a mess. But at the same time I was a work of art. All the bright color's tattooed on my body for an eternity. A sick thought came into my mind at that moment _imagine all their faces if I have an open casket and this is what they see. _The images of haunted faces danced in my mind before I heard a slightly more realistic cry. Less feminine that the ones in my mind, more manly. I opened my eyes and saw why it sounded manlier, it was because the being was, or near as you can get to being when you are so heartless and without a soul, a man.

_**I feel everything  
when you can't be touched**_

Strong hands cradled my body as I felt myself get lifted onto his lap. "No… no… no… no… no… what have you done?" there was no anger in his voice, no danger in his tone. He sounded sad. He sounded scarred. But that must just be me going crazy because there was no way he was feeling any emotion towards me other than hate and disappointment. Or was he? I had to think long and hard, but I think a very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time ago, he actually cared. I smiled at him, the kind of smile that says _'HA I win!' _and I had! I saw tears falling from his grey eyes, as each one fell onto my dying face, I felt a bit of him break away with them. I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of regret now, not like I could do anything about it but now, but I had never seen him so sad before, over me. "Please don't leave me Dragon, not now!" he buried his head in my hair. "Not ever" he cried. He lifted his head from mine and placed gentle hands on my blood sodden arms and raided them to his face. I winced, a natural reaction when he touches me, but instead of his hurting me he placed his lips on my gashes, and planted little kisses all the way down each one. I remembered now, he used to do that when I was little, when he didn't drink he would kiss my _and I hate to use the term but since we're going back 12 years _'boo boo's' better. And somehow, they wouldn't hurt anymore.

_**When you can't be loved  
when you fall apart**_

If I had known he cared maybe I wouldn't have done this. Maybe if he had shown even the slightest bit of love towards me other than just pure aggression, I wouldn't have thought this was the only way out. Only now do I see there were other ways, that this was NOT the only way to get out of hell, all you have to do is make a bargain with the devil. I looked up at him, and judging by the look on his face he was going through more pain than me, the one with the physical injuries, but now he has to live with the emotional ones. I open my mouth to talk to him, but all strength leaves me, my vision goes black and the last thing I see is his face looking down on mine. I feel one of his hands stroking my hair like when I was a baby. i could smell blood, mixed with the alcohol in his tainted breath. I could feel my life slipping away from me. And I saw him say 'I love you'. Then everything ended. There was no light to follow. No pearly gates that waited for me. No saint to welcome me. No devil to punish me. No god to forgive me. Just memories to haunt me.

_**When you have no heart  
I feel everything**_

There was a letter. It was placed on a bed. There were fingerprints all over it. Each mark was in blood. The inc black and the paper white. It simply read…

_Dear father, _

_After everything you did to me, after everything you said,_

_Did you really think that I wouldn't end up dead?_

_You tortured me, you made me cry,_

_For your punishment you watch me die._

_All this time by alcohol you're driven,_

_So never say you are sorry, for you will never be forgiven!_

_Love, you darling dead Draco._


End file.
